


apartment 520

by smallorbits



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 11:47:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5966277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallorbits/pseuds/smallorbits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>every thursday, a love letter arrives in the mailbox of apartment 520. too bad the intended receiver has long moved away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	apartment 520

  
  
Thursday are special for Jongin. Thursday is lazy day, the one day that Jongin is free from commitments. He carefully planned his class schedule to leave one day free and arranged his day off from his work at the florist to be on thursday. Sehun, his best friend, has already learned to avoid calling Jongin on Thursdays because more often than not, Jongin will be nose deep in the newest volume of one piece or curled up in bed with his laptop balanced on his lap, phone lying forgotten under the pile of pillows Jongin keeps on his bed.  
  
But more than that, Thursdays are special because of the small envelope that is slotted through his mailbox.  
  
He knows the steps by heart now- first, the neighbour’s dog will howl and start yipping, the tiny chihuahua trying her best to scare the intruder away, never really understanding her true size. Then, he’ll hear a male voice hushing the dog to no avail, before his mailbox slams shut with a clink.  
  
Only when the dog stops barking does Jongin move, letting out the breath he never knows he’s holding.  
  
  


>   
>    
>    
>    
>    
>    
>  To: My love  
>    
>  I know you’re gone but I miss you. I have no right to say this, not when I was the one who let you go. Should I have been selfish and held on? You begged me not to go, said that we could work it out, but how could I have kept you by my side when your heart searched for stars beyond what I could’ve given you?  
>    
>  I wanted to be the spark that lights you but I felt like the ashtray that snuffed out your fire. You might be angry with me now, but stay strong, my love. You are destined for fireworks in your name. Prove that this is worth it.  
>    
>  Your noble idiot.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The letters come every Thursday, and sometimes Tuesday, always slotted through the mailbox sometime between 12pm and 1pm.  
  
Jongin knows that if he stands around, eventually he’ll see the person dropping these letters. It’s common courtesy to at least inform the writer that his confessions of love are being sent to a complete stranger, but somehow Jongin clings to the notion of romance.  
  
When the first letter came, a dark blue envelope marked to _My love_ , Jongin was confused and called his landlord, asking if the previous tenant of apartment #520 left an address for his mail to be forwarded to. Apparently, the previous tenant had moved out of the country and left strict orders for all letters to be disposed of.  
  
Jongin held off for as long as he could, allowing the letters to pile up in a box tucked away behind his couch. He thought of leaving a note for the person leaving these letters but he always was a hopeless romantic and he thought that if he were in the sender’s shoes, he would rather not know. It seemed like the sender was well aware that his love had moved away and the letters were more of a way of saying goodbye.  
  
By letter number 5, Jongin couldn’t stamp down the temptation anymore. He carefully peeled the seal off and starting reading.  
  
  
  
  


>   
>    
>    
>  To: My love  
>    
>  Some nights are harder than the rest. It would’ve been easier if I threw away your things like you told me to but you are what gave my house some character. The orange lampshade you chose, the one I said was ugly, really does brighten up the hallway.  
>    
>  Kyungsoo picked up a new boyfriend along the way, a nice man named Joonmyun. Did you already know? The boys insist they don’t keep in contact with you, and I think they’re just trying to protect me but I wish they wouldn’t leave you. It’s too hard to have so many people ripped away at once. I’d like to think that we were all friends, at least, even if the both of us aren’t lovers anymore.  
>    
>  I lost you, the best friend I’ll ever have, so I know how much it hurts.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
One of Jongin’s sisters had an allergy to fur so the only pets Jongin grew up having were a tankful of fish and a few turtles. Still, Jongin has always dreamed of cuddly puppies waiting for him at home and curling up next to him, patiently waiting until he moved out on his own and could get a pet without sending his sister onto a hospital bed.  
  
“A puppy?” Sehun asks, peering at him over his lens-less frames.  
  
“A puppy,” Jongin confirms. “I’m getting one.”  
  
“Are you sure?” Sehun asks in the tone that Jongin seems to hear a lot. He’s probably thinking about the thing with the plant and the time with the hamster and that poor cat but Jongin isn’t about to get sassed by someone who thinks it’s a good idea to wear decorative frames.  
  
“I AM GETTING A PUPPY,” Jongin says-shouts, loud enough that Minseok the barista peers at them over his glasses -real ones- and Sehun slinks down in his seat out of secondhand embarrassment.  
  
“Please don’t buy your puppy booties,” Sehun whispers. Sehun’s just being stupid because he has a major crush on one of the waitresses, this pretty girl named Naeun or something, and wants to pretend he’s a normal human being. Jongin thinks Sehun’s reputation is way beyond saving anyway.  
  
Jongin guiltily makes a mental reminder to keep the bowties he bought his future puppy out of sight when Sehun goes over to his house.  
  
  
  
  
  


>   
>    
>    
>  To: My love  
>    
>  I called you last night but I went straight to voice mail. I might have left you a message.  
>  It was stupid.  
>  I’m stupid.  
>  I’m sorry, it was a mistake.  
>  I’m not even sure what I’m referring to now.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jongin can smell the dogs before he even enters the shelter and he loves it. Despite never having a furry friend, this is a scent he associates with home and comfort, laced through his many fantasies and dreams. He used to spend his weekends at his childhood bestfriend, Taemin's house rolling around with his golden retriever until Taemin had joked that the pup liked Jongin more instead. It left Jongin feeling very pleased.  
  
Over the weekend, he looked up every shelter in Seoul for volunteering options, wanting to familiarise himself with taking care of dogs. He’s not sure if extended exposure to furry animals could spike the same allergies his sister had and he doesn’t want to take any chances. It's this thought that has him hesitating at the doorway of the shelter, the excitement and nervousness of finally getting a new family member rushing over him in waves.  
  
"You can come in, you know?" A voice breaks him out of his thoughts.  
  
Jongin startles out of his thoughts and finally notices the man crouched by the cages where the cats are kept, refilling the water bottles. The man's smile is kind. It looks good on his features, young and youthful with a hint of cheekiness. "Are you here to play with the dogs? Or bring one home?"  
  
"I'm," Jongin pauses to consider his options. He's been puppy proofing his apartment for months but still has no either what kind of dog he wants. Does he want a larger dog like the golden retriever Taemin had, or a tiny pomeranian, much more suited for his apartment? "Today I'm just here to play. I can help out? If you want?"  
  
"We always need more help. Alright soldier," the man closes the latch on the cage and claps his hands together once, "are you prepared to get a little wet?"  
  
Jongin nods quickly and follows him into the shelter.  
  
  
  
  
"I thought you said a little wet," Jongin complains, using the back of his hand to wipe a stray droplet of water sneaked its way down the side of his forehead.  
  
The man, who had introduced himself as Chanyeol, grins. "The kids must have been over excited at a new face."  
  
Chanyeol calls all the dogs his kids. Jongin finds that oddly adorable. It seems like something he would do himself. "Did you give me the rowdiest dogs on purpose?" he asks with narrowed eyes.  
  
Chanyeol shrugs and turns away to towel dry a mongrel but Jongin still manages to catch the smirk that slips from his lips.  
  
  
  


>   
>    
>    
>    
>  To: My love  
>    
>  The weather’s turning cold. I hear we’re expecting snow next week. I hope you’re keeping warm because I know how you tend to dress all wrong for the weather. Fashion means nothing when you’re sick.  
>  I hope you don’t mind that I lost the scarf you gave me, either.  
>  Sorry.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
From then on, it becomes a new addition to his routine.  
  
His job at the flower shop doesn't take up that much of his time and his classes are sporadic at most, so Jongin finds himself being drawn to the shelter more and more.  
  
Chanyeol is the only permanent staff that the shelter has, with an official title of resident vet, but more caretaker-poop-cleaning than anything else. The shelter has a regular roster of volunteers, mostly other veterinary students getting their required volunteering hours in before their degrees, but with that many animals under one roof, Jongin's help is welcomed eagerly.  
  
“Come help me with this poodle, Jongin,” Chanyeol coaxes, drawing Jongin’s attention from where he is playing with the cats.  
  
The poodle is a newcomer, abandoned in a box and left on the shelter’s door. Its fur is matted with mud and twigs and they have the painstaking task of slowly snipping away all the tangles until the thin malnourished body of the poodle shows. Jongin helps to hold the poodle still while Chanyeol tries his best to cut off the knots.  
  
For the most part, the poodle behaves but quivers every time Chanyeol holds up the scissors, watching him carefully with mournful eyes. Jongin’s heart breaks with each snip.  
  
"You pegged me as a dog person the first time," Jongin says, the memory coming to him suddenly. Chanyeol asked if he wanted to play with the dogs, when the shelter houses cats, rabbits and even a ferret.  
  
"You just looked like one, all lost and cute," Chanyeol says absentmindedly. He smooths what’s left of the poodle’s fur down to check for any remaining knots.  
  
Jongin’s hands stills. “What?”  
  
“Hmm? You were standing there a long time.”  
  
“Oh,” Jongin swallows. The poodle seems to sense his hesitation and tentatively licks the back of his palm. “Yeah, lost.”  
  
“And cute,” Chanyeol teases, looking up from beneath his lashes. He straightens up his back and blows over his upper lip to get his bangs out of his eyes but the hair only falls back down, leaving Chanyeol pouting and with a tuff of hair in his vision.  
  
“Who’s the cute one now?” Jongin shoots back, hoping that his face doesn’t betray the weird delight he feels at being called _cute_. How degrading, and he’s pleased?  
  
“This little one. We’re all done, little guy.” Chanyeol sets the scissors down and bends down to coo at the poodle, his voice becoming more high pitched, “Who’s been a good boy? Good boy.”  
  
The poodle starts wagging his tail for the first time since he was brought in and Jongin is charmed, his attention completely shifts to praising the poodle, mind already running with options to name their newest arrival.  
  
Chanyeol watches them fondly until he reaches out to quickly pinch Jongin’s cheek.  
  
Immediately, Jongin sucks in his breath and flinches away out of surprise. “Hey?”  
  
Chanyeol grins at him. “You’re cute, too.”  
  
  
  
  


>   
>    
>    
>  To: My love  
>    
>  I can’t forget you now but I’m working on it.  
>    
>  Still your idiot

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
One of Jongin's favourite places in the shelter is the puppy room, despite its unoriginal name. He loves the rowdy dogs that fill up his weekly quota of exercise with their running walks and the old souls who prefer to cuddle up on the raggedy couch with Jongin, but nothing compares to the energy of young puppies.  
  
He's also on puppy duty every Thursday, which makes everything all the more sweeter.  
  
When Jongin walks into the puppy room that day, he sees chaos. The shelter is what the other volunteer, Joonmyun would call "comfortably lived in" at the best of times but today the puppy room is a hazard zone. Torn rags are strewn across the floor and there is kibble spilled around.  
  
He spots a pair of familiar red and white converses lying half under the couch. "Uh, Chanyeol, is that your shoe?"  
  
Apparently not anymore, because the next thing Jongin sees is a blur of white and then the shoes are snatched away by the jaws of a beautiful malamute.  
  
"We have a new pup," Chanyeol explains needlessly. He chases it down and manages to pull his shoes from its grasp but it nips back playfully, tugging on the shoelaces. “Wow there, pup, I just lost my scarf. I don’t want to replace my shoes too.”  
  
"How old is he?"  
  
"She," Chanyeol corrects. "Four months." He tries his best to wrestle the wriggling puppy down but it's a lost cause, his human strength no match for puppy enthusiasm.  
  
"Only four months?" Jongin hasn't had a chance to check the malamute out but she must almost reach Jongin's shoulders at her full height.  
  
"Have you ever had little siblings? Puppies grow just as fast, if not faster, as babies." Chanyeol's face melts into something strange- the corners of his lips curl up as usual but his eyes, his eyes soften as he pets the puppy's head. His touch is eagerly returned and the puppy nudges her nose into Chanyeol's collar, drawing a burst of laughter from Chanyeol.  
  
The last thing Jongin expects is for his emotions to spike along with Chanyeol's loud barks and the intensity of feelings that hits Jongin surprises him. It's not something he's unfamiliar with, especially with six years in boarding school and a long suffering crush on the head prefect of his graduating year, but it's not unwelcome either. It's just... unexpected.  
  
Quietly, he tucks those feelings away, notes the heightened heartbeat and the weird clenching of his stomach and thinks this is what it means to want to be someone's light.  
  
  
  
  
Nothing really changes with Jongin's new discovery. That's just the way Jongin is, quiet and subdued even if his insides are burning with a newfound desire. Years of living in a conservative society and grappling with the turmoil of coming out has taught Jongin to hide his feelings well. He still laughs too loudly at Chanyeol's bad jokes and they still keep up the cheeky water fights whenever they bathe the dogs.  
  
So little has changed that Jongin almost forgets sometimes, until he's painfully reminded by the jolt he feels when their fingers accidentally brush when Chanyeol hands him a towel, or when Chanyeol affectionately knocks him on the head when Jongin says goodbye.  
  
Maybe he just doesn't want to think about it.  
  
  
  
  
In return he throws himself into his projects. There's no time for distractions when the final assessment is coming up. Professor Kwon is known to be strict in her grading and Jongin has never been good at following direction. His nights are spent going over different dance techniques in the practice rooms and memorizing every theoretical and historical aspect of dance covered in his lectures.  
  
It takes him three more weeks before he finally makes it back into the shelter, and he’s delighted to find out that his favourite puppy, Peanut the beagle and cocker spaniel mix, has grown a few inches.  
  
“Little buddy!” Jongin greets happily as Peanut nips eagerly at his feet, trying to get Jongin to hug him. Jongin crouches down to let Peanut squirm onto his lap and coos at the puppy, “You’ve grown so much, haven’t you?”  
  
He plays catch with the puppy for a while longer, tossing Peanut’s raggedy chew toy over and over again and getting Peanut’s slobber all over himself. It’s an instant stress reliever after so many nights of trudging home past midnight. Dogs are magic.  
  
"Hey."  
  
Jongin jumps a little, but luckily Peanut just shifts and continues to snore on his lap.  
  
“Chanyeol,” Jongin greets and puts a finger to his lips. "Shh, Peanut just fell asleep."  
  
In response, Chanyeol settles himself down onto the carpet next to Jongin, their shoulders almost touching, and allows a mongrel puppy named Mandu to climb onto his lap. “You’ve been away a while,” Chanyeol whispers.  
  
“Why, miss me?” Jongin keeps his gaze trained on the puppy snoozing on him.  
  
Mandu lets out a sleepy yawn, flopping backwards onto Chanyeol’s chest and sliding down until he fits perfectly in the crook formed in Chanyeol’s crossed legs.  
  
Chanyeol laughs lowly. It sends a shiver down Jongin’s spine. “How could I not miss my favourite volunteer?”  
  
“Joonmyun would be sad to hear that.”  
  
“Joonmyun’s not here.” Chanyeol says, obviously enjoying the way Jongin is squirming. “And it’s true. Joonmyun’s too uptight to be my favourite.”  
  
This prompts a chortle out of Jongin before he remembers that Peanut is asleep and he quickly cuts off his laugh into a choking cough. Peanut whines a little in protest and peeks one eye at Jongin, her paws pushing into Jongin’s thighs. “Sorry,” he says to her.  
  
Chanyeol bends forward and places a quick kiss on Mandu’s head. "Aren't they wonderful?"  
  
Jongin never moves his gaze away from Chanyeol, but Chanyeol is too busy scratching the back of Mandu's ears to notice. "Yeah. Yeah, he is."  
  
  
  
  
  


>   
>    
>    
>  To: My love  
>    
>  I realised that I was getting over you. And it’s exactly what you would have wanted, right? Jongdae says it’s a good thing because i won’t hurt as much anymore. I can look at fruit loops and not think of you now. I guess the pain is subsiding. It’s not as comforting as it is lonely.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
He’s running late. Sehun asked him for help in choreographing a new routine for the summer festival and Jongin stayed at the studio all night going over the moves. He ended up crashing at Sehun’s house because his university is too far from home but now it’s already past lunchtime and he’s not home.  
  
He sees someone stepping into the elevator next to his just as he steps out onto his floor but he doesn’t stop to say hello to the shadow that was probably his neighbour because today is Thursday. He needs- should- wants? to go home.  
  
It only occurs to him that the person in the next elevator could be the Noble Idiot when his fingers close along the envelope with the now familiar scrawl.  
  
This time, the letter speaks of hesitation in the crossed out words and ink blots in places where the pen has lingered too long.  
  


>   
>    
>    
>    
>  To: My love  
>    
>  Quite honestly I don't know what to do with him. Is it too soon to let myself fall? If I ever get into another relationship, I want it to be like ours. I don't want to be just another grain of sand. I want to be his ocean.

  
  
  
  
  
This letter is so raw that Jongin almost drops it. This letter is when he resolves to never read another letter.  
  
He sits with the creased paper cradled in his lap for a long, long while.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Monday brings a new dog to the shelter, though Jongin can barely recognise what breed it is, because its ribs are clearly visible and its fur remains in patches.  
  
The dog, a mixed breed of indeterminable origin, is a happy pup despite the horrors that it must have been through. It bounds up to Jongin and starts attacking his laces, growling playfully as Jongin swipes his foot around to let it give chase.  
  
Jongin lifts it up for a quick check and frowns at how light it is. She’s a female. “What’s her story?”  
  
“She was brought back.” Chanyeol wrinkles his nose. “The owner was a jackass.”  
  
“Poor baby,” Jongin murmurs, cuddling the puppy to his chest. He kisses the top of her head as she wriggles and she tilts her head up to sniff curiously at Jongin’s chin. “You just wanted to be their ocean.”  
  
Chanyeol freezes and yanks Jongin’s arm so hard he almost drops the puppy. “What did you say?”  
  
“I-” The puppy yelps in surprises and tries to struggle out of Jongin’s grip and Jongin quickly pets the puppy soothingly. He shakes his head, trying to hide his bewilderment, “it’s just something I heard somewhere?”  
  
“Sorry,” Chanyeol apologizes immediately, holding up his palm in surrender. He runs a hand through his hair and takes a step back, “Sorry, I just- sorry, I was overreacting.”  
  
Jongin cuddles the puppy to his chest and focuses his attention on her, trying not to look up at Chanyeol.  
  
After a moment, Chanyeol speaks up, his back still turned to Jongin. “I had a bad break up once.” It's a sudden offering, seemingly uncalled for, catching Jongin by surprise.  
  
He doesn’t seem to anticipate a reply so Jongin lets them fall to silence but Jongin wonders.  
  
  
  
  
It nags at him all week, his suspicion building and ballooning until it’s a knot in his throat, hard to swallow and harder to forget.  
  
He watches Chanyeol contemplatively as Chanyeol busies around the place with the usual checkups. Someone is coming to look at the dogs later and the dogs must be presentable for someone to want to bring them home.  
  
“Jongin, can you help bring Maya out for a walk first?” Maya gets so excited when strangers come that she tends to scare them away.  
  
“You’re never this fussy,” Jongin comments, looping a leash around Maya’s neck. Already she is jumping around happily, her tail thumping against Jongin’s thigh.  
  
Chanyeol shrugs a shoulder sheepishly. “It’s my friend coming later. It took me so long to convince Jongdae that he’s capable of a dog. It’s obvious how much he wants a furry companion of his own and-“  
  
“Jongdae?” Jongin cuts him off.  
  
“Yeah, we were high school mates. They called us the terror duo,” Chanyeol says proudly, puffing up his chest.  
  
Jongdae… Jongin rolls the name on his tongue, and the final puzzle piece falls into place.  
  
  
  
  
Jongdae ends up bringing, of all dogs, Maya home.  
  
From the minute Jongdae stepped into the shelter, Maya had honed in for the kill, being extra affectionate and gentler than she has ever been with anyone else. She lay by his side quietly as Jongdae introduced himself to Jongin and even tried to crawl underneath Jongdae’s ugly yellow sweater.  
  
Jongdae stood no chance.  
  
Chanyeol is so overwhelmed with emotions when he waves goodbye to them, he sniffs back actual tears. Jongin’s not sure who Chanyeol is prouder of- Jongdae or Maya.  
  
“You see me every week,” Jongdae says, looking far too amused at Chanyeol’s red nose.  
  
“Yes, but.” Chanyeol trails off and looks like he’s about to burst into tears again, so Jongin gently places his hands on Chanyeol’s shoulders and guides him back into the shelter after reluctant goodbyes.  
  
“Maya went to a good home,” Jongin says.  
  
Chanyeol sniffs loudly and nods. “Jongdae will be a great owner.” He smiles and makes a visible effort to brighten up. “Well then, let’s close up for the day.”  
  
  
  
  
While Chanyeol checks all the food bowls, Jongin sweeps the floor. It’s a fast job and within ten minutes, Chanyeol is locking up the door, yelling his farewells to the pitiful howls of the dogs.  
  
“Maybe you can bring Kyungsoo next time,” Jongin says casually.  
  
“Kyungsoo would do well with a cat,” Chanyeol agrees. He pauses, “Wait, did I mention kyungsoo to you before?”  
  
“He’s dating Joonmyun?”  
  
“Oh, yeah, did Joonmyun introduce you guys?”  
  
Jongin doesn’t answer that question, but instead he asks, “Chanyeol, do you want to come to my place for coffee?”  
  
Chanyeol looks startled, but it melts into a smug smirk. “Well, Jongin, I thought you’ll never ask.”  
  
“Chanyeol, please, at least walk me home.” He must’ve sounded more serious than he expected because the grin slips off Chanyeol’s face.  
  
  
  
  
Jongin keeps up light banter on the way home but he keeps his hand in his pocket, jiggling his keys. Chanyeol must sense his nervousness because he laughs twice as loudly and puts extra effort into reacting to jokes that Jongin himself thinks aren’t funny.  
  
They stop in front of the building and Chanyeol's head tilts. “You live here?”  
  
“Yes, do you want to come up?” Jongin studies Chanyeol’s face but Chanyeol is impassive. He merely follows Jongin in, nodding at the doorman like a habit long ingrained.  
  
“Which floor?” He asks, a challenge in his voice. His hand is already hovering near the bottom numbers and Jongin quietly says, “fifth.”  
  
It’s silent in the elevator, the distance filled up by the soft whirs of the machinery. Jongin lives in an old building that requires more maintenance than is given.  
  
The doors creak open and Chanyeol glances at Jongin, “which way?”  
  
It’s a struggle keeping his tone casual. Jongin attempts a smile and shrugs. “You know the way.”  
  
It feels like a dream, following Chanyeol back to the apartment. How many times has Chanyeol been here, enough that he can navigate the tricky hallways and even know to duck his head where the ceiling falls low? There’s a step that Jongin sometimes trips over, but Chanyeol steps over it without looking.  
  
Jongin slots the key into his apartment door shakily, only successful after two tries and the door creaks like it always does. It's not just the elevator that's old; every part of this building needs some regular care.  
  
“How long have you been here?” Chanyeol surveys the interior and Jongin feels oddly self-conscious. Maybe he should have cleaned up before he left, or hung up the painting to cover the hole in the wall- but no, the hole was already here when he moved in. Who knows if Chanyeol caused that?  
  
“Five months.”  
  
It’s too easy to imagine Chanyeol fitting in here, Chanyeol leaning against the sink as he gets in the way of where his lover is washing dishes or Chanyeol stretching his lanky feet across the sofa and avoiding the lump with the broken springs.  
  
Chanyeol walks over to the sofa and runs his hand across the spot right behind the cushions where there's a tear in the fabric. “Have you ever-”  
  
“I’m sorry, I tried not to. I kept them all, in case your love ever came back.” Chanyeol flinches at the mention of _love_ and Jongin tries not to mirror him.  
  
  
  
  
Jongin removes the box from its hiding place behind the couch and places it on the living room table, 28 letters, proof of Chanyeol’s undying love. He pushes it into Chanyeol’s arms, not wanting to meet his eyes.  
  
Chanyeol takes the stack of letters and leafs through them, hands lingering on the very first letter. His fingers brush across the seal that has been carefully stuck back in place until it almost seems unopened. “How many did you read?”  
  
“I stopped reading them after a while.” Jongin says apologetically, folding his hands on his lap. “After I figured out who you were, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t invade your privacy.”  
  
“How long ago was that?” Chanyeol sounds so distant and yet his tone is even. His face too is schooled into something Jongin can't place, maybe a hint of nostalgia as he flips through the envelopes. Jongin can’t figure out if he’s angry or not, and that’s even scarier than anything he imagined.  
  
“7, 8 letters?” Jongin reaches out and thumbs at the envelopes until he finds the untampered one.  
  
Chanyeol stares down at the envelope in his hand, recognition flitting across his face. “Maybe you should read them,” he says quietly, standing up and placing the box back on the table. “I’ll have coffee another time, Jongin. See you.”  
  
Jongin is too stunned at the sudden dismissal to stop Chanyeol from letting himself out the door. After the door falls shut, he sinks into the couch and buries his face in his hands. He fucked up. He fucked up so hard. Of course Chanyeol would be mad, who wouldn't with such a blatant invasion of privacy. But Chanyeol asked him to read-  
  
In his haste to find the letters, he knocks the entire box on the ground and he drops to his knees to gather them, pushing the opened letters aside. This time, he isn’t careful with the seal and rips the envelopes open. With each letter, the pounding in his ears get louder, until it’s all he hears is Chanyeol’s voice ringing in his head. Another time. Another time. _Another_ time.  
  
Jongin sets down the letter and runs.  
  
  
  
  
He catches up to Chanyeol around the corner of the apartment block. Chanyeol is walking slowly, like he’s been waiting, and whirls around upon hearing the hurried footsteps.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
Chanyeol flicks his eyes down to the envelope still clutched in Jongin’s hand and smiles. “His name was Baekhyun. We met the final year of university and it was like I met my soulmate.”  
  
“Where is he now?” Jongin takes a step closer, careful to keep some distance between them. He spent the past five months obsessing over this mysterious lover and he wants to know what it is about him that made Chanyeol fall so deeply in love. How was Baekhyun like for Chanyeol to have called him a soulmate and a best friend? But at the same time, he doesn’t want to know, because he’s afraid that he can’t live up to the shadow of someone who has held Chanyeol’s deepest memories and affections. There are too many questions on the tip of his tongue that won’t form.  
  
Chanyeol walks another step forward and lets his breath out in a laugh. The weather is cold enough that his laugh comes out in a puff. “Does it matter?”  
  
Chanyeol’s reply is all it takes for the anxiety to leave Jongin, disappearing with the slump of his shoulders. Jongin closes the distance until they’re a breath apart. He has to tilt his head to meet Chanyeol’s gaze but he’s sure that whatever it is burning in Chanyeol’s eyes, both a challenge and a question, is reflected in his own. “Are you still looking for him?”  
  
Chanyeol lets the touch of his lips answer.  
  
  


>   
>    
>    
>    
>  To: My love  
>    
>  I have been searching for you, and I think I found you. Jongin.

  
  
  
  
  


_end._  
  
---


End file.
